Mammary Lane

By D. Bob Sauer

To simply state that I am lactose tolerant would be to udderly understate the level of my condition. A more accurate description would be to say that I am lactose indulgent. I proudly belong to a class of higher vertebrates, namely mammals, which means that as a youngster I was nourished with milk secreted through mammary glands. My mother patiently and selflessly breastfed me until I was able to talk (7 ½ years). Those compound sebaceous glands that are situated, oh, so vertically in pairs and terminate in a nipple represent, to me, a unique product of evolution as it relates to the perfect feeding device.

Hello, Dangerous Boob, er, sorry, Dangerous Bob here, and I am not one bit amused by society’s exploitation of the human teat. Virtually every form of media, promoting virtually every product imaginable, represents the female bosom as an eye-catching selling point. I find it disgraceful that these mastoids, including the space between them, could be so carelessly displayed with no consideration or appreciation for the beautiful and fundamental utility they provide.

For this report I thought it necessary to get input on this issue from a random variety of citizens. Over the past two weeks I stood in front of several convenience stores and posed the following question to dozens of patrons:

“What are your thoughts about the female breast, and how have they affected your life?”

Of the dozens of people canvassed, eleven tried to slap me, fourteen did slap me, nine or ten ran back to their car and locked the door, two asked if I was looking for a date, about eight threatened to call the cops, and exactly six did call the cops. Of all the answers I received these are the only ones we can legally print:

“What do female breasts mean to me? Let me put it this way, if I had ’em, I’d never leave the house.”

Brian B., Darboy

“Whenever I hear of someone getting a breast reduction, I cringe. Isn’t that like slapping God in the face? I mean really, right in the face.”

Leroy G., Combined Locks

“I’ve often thought that if women had them on their backs, instead of their chests, you’d see a lot more slow dancing.”

Donny M., Menasha

“Funny you should ask. My girl friend’s breasts are two different sizes. Just last weekend she came in third and fourth in a wet tee-shirt contest.”

Jerry J., Kimberly

“I can tell you from experience, a baby six weeks old and a guy 60 years old have the same reaction when they see one: reach, scream and cry.”

Gloria E., Grand Chute

“All I know is that my wife complains about how sweaty she gets underneath them now that they droop so bad. I suggested she put a bouillon cube under each one so at least it smells like soup.”

Andy K., Campbellsport

“You know how some people like the sight of the Aurora Borealis, the Northern Lights? Well, I like the sight of the Areola Borealis, the Northern Headlights” (walks away laughing all crazy- like).

Dennis S., Waupaca

“With Bush and Cheney we had two boobs in the White House. I say we elect Hillary next time, so at least we get the real deal.”

Bill C., Clintonville

Next Issue: Cup runneth over? Use a coaster.


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