Declassified Ads

By D. Bob Sauer

Articles for Sale

Gut Buster workout machine. Never used, not even once. $50.00 Call Sarah Lee 800 697-0000

Pit Bull (brown and white, named “Gummy Bear”). Toothless, slow eater, harmless bite. Good or moderately OK home needed. $25.00 or best offer over 25 cents. 414 920-7150

For sale or trade- Korean time-share condo on north side of fence. Any offer will be considered–– please hurry someone’s at the door.

Ryan Braun, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, A-Rod sports memorabilia. Autographed pee-cups, syringes, pill bottles, etc. Call for prices. Miami Sports Medicine, Inc. 800 543-2111

Wedding Dress size 38. Never worn, not even once. $150.00  S.Lee  800 697-0000

Rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy? 1988 Bronco for sale––make an offer. 715 444-3232

FREE Breast/Pelvic exams. Red van behind Olive Garden. Tuesdays/Thursdays at midnight.

For Sale- Complete cookware set plus all my soul food recipes. $1,650,000 or best offer. Call PM only Paula Deen @ 800 BIG-MOUTH.


Entertainment wanted for 13-year-old-boy’s bar mitzvah. Please no mimes, trannies or Hitler impersonators. J. Finkelstein, 800 999-5151

Need someone to turn too? Call Jenny Jenny @ 867-5309

Female roommate wanted. Must have her own boat and handcuffs. Send pix of handcuffs to

Urgently needed: kidneys, liver, lungs and heart for immediate transplant. Donor’s not required to be currently dead or for that matter, willing. Call 800 666-6666

Wanted: information on birth parents. Based on genetic markers probably completely idiotic white trailer trash from either Mississippi or Omro.

Gigs wanted for local entertainer- private parties, rallies, invasions, conventions, etc. Call Gus Toppo, Hitler Impersonator Extraordinaire. 444 231-7890

Wanted: New drug that won’t make me sick, won’t make me crash my car or make me feel three feet thick. Call Huey at 888 543-NEWS

Wanted: Another ##$%&@! report to read on global warming as I sit here with 3 @##$%&#@ blankets on top of me during this -55 degree @##$%&# cold snap.


Lost: Civil Liberties––must have been while I was on the phone. If found contact

Lost: squeaky-clean Disney child star and wonderful daughter.

Found: creepy, evolving skank who got to third base with a foam finger on TV. Contact Billy Ray for apology.

DBOBCO MEDIA  – Declassified Ad’

Deadline – 6 p.m. day after publication. Corrections or cancellations – one full week after your check clears. Office hours: Monday/Wednesday/ Friday at midnight––red van behind Olive Garden.

Terms and conditions- All declassified ads are subject to applicable rate card and check or money orders are to be made out to: DBOBCO MEDIA, Pier 26, Algoma, WI 54911. DBOBCO MEDIA reserves the right to misspell, foolishly edit or draw crude body parts on anything submitted. Errors or cancellations are to be written on plain white paper, rolled into a neat, tight cylinder and inserted into the crude body part of your choice.

DBOBCO MEDIA shall not be liable for any loss of expense, property or credibility which results from anything we did or did not do.

Next Issue: Yet another reason print is dead.


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