NEW FEATURE!

I Was in There Once

By D. Bob Sauer

Any self-respecting arts and entertainment publication worth its salt and pepper has, within its pages,

a meaningful, objective, and unbiased food critic. The SCENE is truly blessed to have the lovely and talented Alysa assume that important role with her Restaurants and Pubs column in the Food and Drink section.

For those three or four readers hoping for a meaningless, objectionable and completely biased approach to rating local eateries and bars welcome to Dangerous Bob’s “I Was in There Once”––a skewed and twisted overview of food and hospitality establishments in our area. Allow me to briefly share my qualifications:

– I was abandoned as a child and raised by a group of low to moderately functioning beer distributers.

– As a self-deprecating omnivore, I have been on everything from vegan diets to Megan diets (one

Megan even had a twin sister named Olive––talk about food groups! Yum!).

– I helped popularize, not “Dangerous Bob Critique”, but the “Dangerfield Bob Critique,” whereby

I scream, “Tell the chef this is low-grade dog food,” at every restaurant just to see how many kitchens still have cleavers. With that just slightly tarnished background in mind I humbly submit for your consideration a few places that: “I Was in There Once”.

Frenchy’s Equestrian Bistro 

You say all red meat tastes the same? Whoa, not so fast––not at Frenchy’s where, “A horse is a horse,

of course”, or even better, make it three courses. Come in early for the “My Friend Flicka Breakfast

Burrito” or stop for lunch at the “All-You-Can-Eat Mr. Ed Buffet.” For the more unsaddled gourmet, try the Thursday night special that is sure to please. The Night Mare Grill is slow roasting those mouth- watering

“Kentucky Derby Ribs” and “Belmont Steaks.” Mm-mm, and if you get the fillet with jockey whip marks you’ll win a jar of special recipe horseradish sauce. Trust me––it’s an unbridled taste sensation!

Do you have a graduation, anniversary, or birthday party coming up? Frenchy’s will cater your next get- together with its county-wide famous “Pony Roast” with all the trimmings. For more or less info, call

1(888)WIN-KNEE.

It’s About Thyme 

Looking for a laid back, distinctively warm and pungent place to take a date? Try this quaint and romantic “hole in the wall” that is sure to knock his or her socks off. Take your companion there for the clam or fish chowder but stay for the sausage in poultry dressing. While you’re down there sample the stews, salads and fresh tomatoes. After dinner go upstairs to have your palm read and then dance the night away in the Oyster Ditch Disco Lounge. Look for the flashing neon sprig.

Spike’s Bullseye Saloon 

Need some adventure in your life? Me too. That’s why I recommend Spike’s. This is no hoidy-toidy martini bar or fancy-schmancy club. This is a place where you walk past a line of Harleys and pick-em-up trucks, through an opening where a door used to be, wipe down a stool with your sleeve and then gob on the floor. Pull that stool up to the bar and demand a beer and a bar rag. I guarantee your fully tattooed, one-eyed server will have a bottle of Bud and a hammered girl named Sheila in front of you in a flash.

See that ATM in the corner? Wrong again––it’s a life insurance policy vending machine.

And just when you thought your hearing was irreversibly damaged due to the 220 decibel, continuously looping Pantera tape, you faintly hear someone ask for a shot. Who knew a gun would go off? I did!

Check it out––I dare ya.

Subway 

Eat fresh.

Next Issue: The Fun Gus brothers on ‘shrooms.

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