NEW FEATURE!

Miss Communication

By D. Bob Sauer

skidmoreThe pomp, ceremony and pageantry of beauty contests have, over the years, lost some of their luster. But, every year young women from all 50 states still strut around in bathing suits and evening gowns, twirl batons, tap dance, belt out show tunes and wish for world peace in front of a panel of judges and a seemingly captive audience.

Hello, Dangerous Bob here and I was never really enamored with the type of woman who participated in those kinds of glamour games. Frankly, I appreciate and am drawn toward the more cerebral elements of womanhood––brains over bust line if you will. To those who might question why I still have a poster of Farah Fawcett on the ceiling over my bed, I’d like to point out she had an IQ well over 80. I fully realize I’m in a minority of men who prefer a woman’s intellect to physical appearance. Even the late, great Joan Rivers observed that “When a man reaches up a woman’s dress he’s not looking for a library card.”

Well put, Joan, but I beg to differ. I’d like nothing better than finding a library card up there or anything related to the Dewey Decimal System for that matter.

This is precisely why the only female competition that I follow (aside from Roller Derby) is the Miss Communication Pageant held annually at Skidmore College in upstate New York. This competition is based solely on a woman’s grammatical and vocabulary prowess. Consider the field of this year’s contestants:

Miss Shapen – could have never been in a regular beauty contest anyway what with her vastly different sized legs and pear shaped head.

Miss Understanding – has no idea why she’s entered in this contest––thought she was in line for free cheese.

Miss Pronunciation – always puts the emphasis on the last syllable of every word (she puts the “sin” back in Wisconsin where it belongs).

Miss Conception – thinks she can will herself into not ovulating this month.

Miss Calculation – currently banned from adjusting the settings on laser eye surgery equipment.

Miss Print – most recent typo was the incorrect spacing of characters in “the penis mightier than the sword”.

Miss Fortune – always uses her Social Security number when playing the lottery even though it’s way too many numbers.

Miss Chief – favorite prank is to put a live mouse in her roommate’s underwear drawer.

Miss Ogyny – would make a lousy lesbian.

Miss Appropriation – abruptly lost her job as a corporate accountant but got immediately hooked up with the U.S military.

Miss Erable – suffering, tragically pathetic, mean, vile and contemptible old hag but has her health.

Miss Place – realized it’s okay she can’t find her car keys because her Prius is missing too.

Miss Cellaneous – fits in perfectly with this bunch.

Miss Treat – drives by DQ really, really slowly without pulling in just to torture her children.

Miss Stress – costs less than a girlfriend but more than a wife.

Miss Quote – thought Paul Revere was warning colonists about Jews: “The Yiddish are coming, the Yiddish are coming.”

Miss T – always feels damp to the touch.

Miss Take – found out the hard way three wrongs don’t make a right but three rights make a left.

Miss Representation – her new weight loss supplement won’t really help bladder control issues.

Miss Interpretation – thought my uncontrollable spasmodic facial tic was enthusiastic flirting

Next Issue: Adjunct Professor of English Educational Studies at New York University shares an unfavorable review of this column.

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