By D. Bob Sauer
A fundamental part of the human condition which enables us to physically manipulate things is our
handedness––as in being right handed. The right side of our bodies, including internal and external
appendages, is inherently designated to be the dominant side.
For example, your right arm is stronger and more nimble than your left; your right leg can kick stuff harder, your right eye can see things farther away, your right ear hears better, your right kidney makes more pee, your right ovary or testicle–well you get the picture.
I hope this doesn’t sound callous, insensitive, or intolerant but I firmly believe left- handed people are freaks, and they should all live in zoos or New Jersey, or someplace like that. In fact, if any left-handed people are reading this, I’d be a lot more comfortable if, for the time being, you all go to another section of the SCENE. Tell you what, why don’t you page through the Holiday Gift Guide with that flimsy little left hand of yours and we’ll call you back later. Thanks for your cooperation––off you go now––see you in a little bit.
All the lefties gone? Good. Okay, righties, this is Dangerous Bob and now we can talk. First, in the interest of full disclosure we all know the opposite of right is wrong. This will always be true. When we pack, we pack for the right. If you’re like me you keep the really important stuff in your right pocket. Money clip, cell phone, mint floss, pet mouse, pieces of velvet––all necessities must be accessible with the right hand. This is clearly how evolution favored us. The proof is in the pudding––literally. No really, try making pudding with only your left hand. I doubt you
can even open the little box. Need more proof?
Try brushing your teeth with your left hand. I guarantee bruised gums and a split lip. Ever try to pleasure yourself or somebody else with only your left hand? Trust me––everyone leaves disappointed.
I’m pretty sure this preferential orientation for the right is even in the Bible. I seem to recall one part when Jesus or Moses or Hercules––one of the main guys––goes to a meet-and-greet with God and he sits “at the right hand of the Father.” See? Even the All-Omnipotent is a righty.
I consider this as well as other non-story book evidence to be indisputable proof that we are all supposed to be right-handed. Try this: the next time you meet someone extend your left hand to shake. They will study you and the situation, look you over as if you’re covered with crickets and walk away. Happens to me all the time.
Do you have any idea how many tyrannical dictators, serial killers, arsonists and ivory poachers are left-handed? Me neither but I’d be willing to bet they all are.
Let’s face it- when you’re right you’re right. Am I right or am I right or am I right? RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT! RIGHT. RIGHT. All right, consider these bullet points:
- Yield right of way
- Right up there
- Right now
- Right turn
- Right sizing
- Right whale
- Right wing
- Right all along
- Right makes might
- Right as rain
- Right angle
- Right on brother, right on
- Right a ship
- Right a poem
- Right away
These points are well taken because I’m right, you’re right, we are all right.
OK, I think it’s safe for the lefty contingent to come back to our page. “Hey, yo southpaws, c’mon back.” Hi guys, we were just talking about how wonderfully diverse our society is, and that it takes people of all stripes, sizes and orientations to make this planet we call home so darn special. You believe me, right?
Next Issue: Ex-girlfriends that left me for all the right reasons.