NEW FEATURE!

Idiot Writes a Letter to Santa

BY NICK OLIG

SantaDear Santa,
I turn to you in your infinite realness because you represent the true meaning of Christmas: the presents. I’ve got a hankering for some cool stuff and I’ve been nice all year long, so you gotta hold up your end of the deal, fatso.

As for any potential red tape regarding my claim of niceness, bare in mind that I wrote that story “Down with Santa” way back in December, 2013. That was last year! Now that it’s 2014, I’m operating with a clean slate and a clear conscience.

Like it or not, tubby, it’s time to cram all the goodies on my wish list into that magic sack you tote. You can’t spell “commercialization” without “me,” so for starters, gimme a Hoverboard.

Yes, a Hoverboard, and not one of those crummy Hoverboards that can only go on land. I want to float above that water. Not unlike Jesus. Oops! My bad on the name-drop. I didn’t mean to bring up your competition.

Anyway, there’s a lot more cool stuff I want from you. I think you’d better add a cup of espresso to that jug of eggnog you keep stashed in your sleigh, ‘cause Santa, this is gonna take a while.

By Christmas I’ll be needing a wheelbarrow-full of wool socks—and I intend to keep the wheelbarrow, of course. Priority one is not freezing to death this winter. Actually, I take that back; the Hoverboard is priority one, but the wool socks and not getting frostbite and dying—that’s kind of important, too. Other Christmas presents you’d better give me—OR ELSE—include an indoor hammock, a case of Miller High Life, that Andre Dawson baseball card when he was on the Cubs and sporting a jerry curl hairdo, an oil drum filled with nacho cheese, a fooseball table with secret tilt-control switches that allow me to cheat and always win, and a bar of solid gold signed by Batman.

Wait! How did I get this far into the letter without mentioning EZ Bake Ovens?! Put me down for five.

I’d like to add a genie lamp to my order. Don’t worry, I won’t be asking for infinite wishes. That’s bush league. I am a law-abiding man of integrity! If you must know, I’ll be wishing for that copy of Playboy from 1996 with Jenny McCarthy on the cover, a gun (any kind will do, but unregistered is strongly preferred), and a million dollars-worth of the finest and most dangerous fireworks ever made in America.

And while we’re on the subject of wishes, could you put in a good word for me at the Make-a-Wish Foundation? I pray it doesn’t happen, but if I get terribly sick, it would be a relief to know that at least I’d get to meet Aaron Rodgers, or even the chick who played the cheerleader on Saved by the Bell, as a solid plan B.

Let’s see… what else? Oh! Playstation controllers. Give me, like, a hundred of those. I want to make sure I have enough, ‘cause when things don’t go my way, I like to smash ‘em. It’s cathartic, you know? A hundred Playstation controllers is all I ask, along with all the other cool stuff.

Speaking of which, can you also bestow me with the Ferrari from Scent of a Woman, 50 square feet of additional space in my apartment (to be completed by no later than Boxing Day), and some matching bullets for the gun I’ll be getting from that genie? You’d better respond with a jolly “Yes, indeed!” If not, I’ll have no choice but to finally convert to Judaism. So help me Santa, if you fail me, I’m going to title my next December story “Santa’s a Gordo Schmuck.”

If I could make another addition to my queue, I want Hollywood to produce another Rocky movie, and Santa, you’re the overweight man who’s gonna pull those strings to make that dream a reality. Can you believe they’ve only done six Rocky’s so far?! I say keep ‘em coming. You can’t spell “public” without an “I,” and I demand another Rocky installment. Oh, and I want Rocky’s next opponent to be Robocop, and I think it would be super-dramatic if the referee was played by Mr. T. Consult me for any script changes or casting problems, especially if Mr. T asks for too much money.

I suppose the only other items on my list that you absolutely must give me—that is, unless you want another Dreidel-spinner on your hands—would have to be a rock from the moon that I could sell on eBay, a Segway with a big plow attached to it, a lifetime’s supply of Extra Sweet Watermelon gum, a two-hour singing telegram from Sir Paul McCartney, and the original stone tablets that list the Ten Commandments.

I mention this last one because, if I don’t get everything I want from you, Santa, I will be forced to search for answers elsewhere, and those answers might not have anything to do with material possessions. Heck, those answers could involve a spirit that is priceless and immaterial, a positive attitude we share with our community, and an appreciation for the loved ones who give our lives so much purpose and support. Golly, maybe I’ve had it all backwards sending you these demanding letters since I was a first grader up until my current age of 31. Perhaps I should cut you some slack and trim my requests down to the wool socks, the Ferrari, and the Rocky movie, and focus on making OTHER PEOPLE happy this Christmas…

It’s a tough call… I’m torn ‘cause I still like cool stuff! Tell you what: I should sleep on it. Mind you, I’m leaning toward doing the right thing here, Santa, but if I don’t, I’m going all the way to the opposite extreme and seeing how much I could get for those sweet Commandment-tablets on eBay.

Sorry about all the fat jokes (even if they’re true).

Your Fully Grown Believer,
Nick

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